Communication skills are important in virtually every line of work and every part of life. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler (2011) mention that if one can master effective communication with strangers, that crucial conversations become less intimidating, and as a result, more positively effective. Becoming effective in this area is important for many levels and areas of success. It is also important in order to have an enjoyable life, in many ways. McKay, Davis and Fanning (2009) explain that each time we approach a stranger we are offering them the gift of interaction. During this interaction, there are certain things that can make it more pleasurable for both parties. One of these things is making sure that you are giving the same amount of attention, interest, and respect to the other person as you would want him-or-her to give you. Another point that is mentioned by McKay et al. (2009) is to make sure you have an outward focus rather than an inward focus during the conversation. Meaning you should be focused on what the other person is saying rather than worrying about how they perceive you to be or look. This allows for a genuine interest to be achieved within the communication process.
Through evaluating myself and my communication skills with others, I would have to say that, although I would like to continue to grow, that I am somewhat successful in making others feel valued, appreciated, and interesting. I enjoy finding out about others’ history, character, values, and interests, and tend to probe about these things in an un-offensive way. By providing self-disclosure before asking an informational question about the other person, I allow others to feel more at ease and less concerned about why I am asking certain things. It also allows us to relate to each other on an equal level rather than one of us feeling or acting superior. I also use active listening pretty frequently. Once they are done explaining a certain character trait or telling me about what they enjoy, I simply reword it or summarize it in my own way, with the tone being in the form of a question. When they confirm I can usually tell they feel appreciation, that I am caring enough to listen so intently. Their appreciation usually leads to more of an interest in me and my past, values, and interests; thus leading to a fun and effective conversation that may or may not develop into a friendship.
Although I am currently confident in my communication skills, I was not always so self-assured. As a child I had many habitual negative thoughts about myself concerning how others viewed me. My family moved into a new area where I felt sure that we didn’t fit in, and I approached every conversation with a stranger with this in the forefront of my mind. Rather than being focused outwardly, I was extremely inwardly focused. I worried about the car my family drove, the way I talked, the way I looked, etc. Lowndes (2003) points out the importance of communication through our body language, and how the way we move our facial expressions and hold our bodies tell more than our words, often times. My body language reflected my personal negative thoughts and judgments, as I had a hard time making any eye contact, I usually had my arms crossed, and I withheld and expression from showing on my face. After awhile though, I made a few friends who were kind enough to assure me that most of the things I feared about communication were false and not reality.
I soon allowed myself to be driven by personal dreams rather than others’ possible opinions of me. This pushed me to approach others with a little more confidence; however, it wasn’t until after my job required consistent interaction with numerous strangers that my communication skills developed so dramatically. Observing other successful communicators has shown me how to effectively start conversations that both parties can enjoy; however, lessons shown through McKay et al. (2009), such as showing others the same amount of interest and respect I have always desired has brought me to a place of greater confidence in this area.
Reference
Lowndes, L. (2003). How to talk to anyone: 92 little tricks for big success in relationships. Chicago, IL: Contemporary Books.
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communication skills book. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2011). Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition. McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
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